This is Going to Get Worse Before it Gets Better

I’m not really that jealous any more. I’ve kind of squashed it up into a dense little ball and pushed it to the back of my mind. There’s bigger problems.

Katie is worse. She tried suicide again this morning and deliberately cut her hand. I tried to make her feel better, but I don’t know if it worked.

Me and Tasha (one of the friends in my group and my class) were talking about I it in Maths period One. We’ve decided that Katie and Dylan just venting their feelings to each other and no one else can’t be helping either of them. Now, this might just be the jealousy talking, but I think that they should tell other people about their problems. I mean, from what I have gathered, Dylan has attempted suicide as well. So keeping this between those two can only be making them more depressed, can’t it? Or maybe not. I don’t know, but I still think that it would be better if Katie, and Dylan, had a wider support network. So, to try and achieve this, me and Tasha spent all Maths lesson brainstorming some ideas in a spider diagram to make Katie feel better and to prompt her to widen her support network. One of the ideas which everyone in the group seemed keen on was to keep the two with the group as much as possible. At the moment, they spend all lunch and all recess either sitting upstairs from the group or walking around the school together. So, me and the group decided to let them do this for all of recess or half of lunch, and then get them to come back… but… OF COURSE, LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE THAT WE HAVE TRIED, THIS FAILED DIDN’T IT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cut up some stuff so we could play this card game thing called Mafia, and Katie and Dylan, surprise surprise, left the group to go sit upstairs. So, we asked them to come down and they said that they would come down in a moment. We let them have five minutes, and the ten, but… next time, after about fifteen minutes we checked and they were gone! Right then I was on the verge of tears. (Well, just between whoever happens to be reading this and me, I did shed a few tears but I don’t think that anyone noticed) I don’t know what else to do! What if the next time she tries suicide, she actually does it? What if she dies? How could I go on? My best friend ever, gone. I couldn’t live anymore. I would probably commit suicide to. I just couldn’t live without her. But what else can I do? I’ve tried everything that I could possibly think of to get Katie to trust me enough to tell me what is going through her mind. If she doesn’t tell the whole group, couldn’t the best friend that I’ve had in my whole life tell me why she wants to die?

I’m sorry, the jealousy is flaring up again. I’ll try to keep it out of this.

But I’m just, like, crushed. What else can we do? We just want to help her, but she insists on keeping it to herself and Dylan. I’m so… frustrated. With this situation, that is, not Katie.

Anyway, back to the story.

We all split up and went looking for the two around the whole school, because the whole aim of this was to let them be with us too, so we can support them, which is kind of hard to do if we don’t even see them anymore. Which we don’t. Anyway, we found them. Me and Mit. They said that the reason that they left was that they needed to sort some things out. Which was fair enough but… I’m just so frustrated with this situation! Despite our best efforts, we still can’t support them. What kind of shitty friends are we, then? Our best friends (and in my case, the best friend that I’ve had in my whole entire life) rather go around the school when they are seriously depressed, by themselves, than sit with us. We must be really crap friends.

I just wish I knew why it is they won’t let us at least talk to them about this. Is it because we don’t understand? We’re not going to until they tell us what it is like anyway. Is it because Dylan is closer to her than I… I mean we as group will ever be to her? We’re trying our hardest to be there for her, to do whatever we can for her. We will do anything that Dylan will, and we love her just as much. Or is it because we are just terrible people? I don’t know.

I just want her to trust us. Why are we so different? What are we doing wrong, what are we doing that Dylan isn’t? Why won’t she trust us with what she thinks, what she feels? Why won’t she trust me? =’-C

I’ve GTG. I’m not in the mood much for typing anymore, surprise surprise… =’-c