Panic Attack

Im so scared and worried and stuff. I just watched this thing on NBN news and it was about how this girl had hung herself, and of course this made me think about Katie and Dylan. So I got really scared and upset and stuff and started bawling my eyes out coz Im so scared about what could happen with them. So I decided to come on MSN and wait to see if Katie comes on again and really hope she does coz I really want to talk to her just to make sure that shes alright coz Im soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo worried and scared and worried and scared and worried and scared and worried and scared coz I could never in all eternity go on without her. I could never ever go on if any of my friends died.

But anyway, even though I don’t want to admit it, at the moment Im still crying because Im so scared and worried and… yeah. I think that Ill text Katie now. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea

Ok, cya ppls.

I feel bad...

At the moment I feel crap. Wanna know why? Well…

I feel bad because Katie feels bad
I feel bad because I’m worried about Katie
I feel bad because I’m also worried about Dylan
I feel bad because everyone in our group seems to be talking about someone else behind their backs
I feel bad because I completely lost it and yelled at Squirrel today (guy in my group who is supposedly what I’d be like if I was a male) and I shouldn’t of
I feel bad because of my jealousy
I feel bad because I’ve shown my jealousy
I feel bad because I think I’ve made Katie feel worse
I feel bad because I won’t see Katie again until Monday
I feel bad because I fail at debating (see previous post)
I feel bad because I’m worried about Katie (yes I know that I’ve already said this), and Dylan too
I feel bad because I don’t know how I can support Katie more
I feel bad because I don’t think that I’m supporting Katie enough (these last two go for Dylan as well, but mainly Katie)
I feel bad because I almost cried in I.A today
I feel bad because I feel sorry for Mit and what he’s been through
I feel bad because I’m so over this whole situation
I feel bad because I’m being selfish
I feel bad because a ten year old who has just started gymnastics has achieved more than I have in the six (almost seven) years that I’ve been doing it for
I feel bad because it seems like no matter how hard I try at something I’m never going to be good at it
I feel bad because the Christmas holidays are coming up. This is half good because, well, obviously, it’s this holidays! But the bad half (and quite a large half at that) is that I don’t get to see my friends for far too long.
And I feel bad because I’m worried about Katie (yes again)
I feel bad because I feel guilty for feeling bad because Katie and Dylan are much more important and I should be thinking about why they feel bad rather than why I feel bad and I also feel guilty because I’ve really got nothing that bad to feel bad about compared to various other people (eg. Some of my other friends (Brian, you know who you are) people a lot worse off than me (people with cancer, people in third world countries who are dying of famine))


So yes, glad I’ve got that out of my system.

One good thing about my life right now is that I’VE GOT TAEKWONDO TONIGHT! Time to let some of my frustration out. Whoever I’m doing free sparring against better watch out. I hope its Adam (my instructor). He sometimes joins in and I like sparring against him.

Oh yes, another thing that I feel bad about is that I miss writing. For those of you that don’t know yet, I’m writing a book and I haven’t been able to do anything on it recently and it’s amazing how much I miss it.

See ya
Rhoddie

P.S Good luck at debating you guys

Grrr I'm so over debating

Ok. 2day we had a class debate off 2 see who would get in the class debating team. The reason why Im so pissed at the moment is coz despite giving it my all, i dint make the team. This really bugs me caz i used to be a decent debator. In yr 6 i think we came runner up in the premiere's debating challenge with me as a third speaker. But now im being beaten by ppl who couldnt care less if they make the team or not. Its just frustrating me that even my best isnt good enough for even the class debating team. Did the ppl who got in give up their lunchtimes to go organise debating stuff? No. And even though ive tried my hardest i still fail. At not only the yr 8 debating team (i wasnt that disappointed with that as i am with this) but just the class debating team as well. And it pisses me off so much.

GTG

Lol. Our Toilet Door

Hey ppls. Out toilet door is jammed. Lol. So, naturally, Dad’s in a bad mood after trying to fix it. This has resulted in the conclusion that we can’t get the door open and we’ll have to saw the handle off. I suggested calling a locksmith but Dad said that he would just come to the same conclusion.

I remember once before when I suggested calling a professional. It was when my light broke. It was just the bulb but when my Dad tried to replace it he bent the little things that held the light bulb in place. It was at this point that I suggested ringing an electrician. Dad decided that he could fix it himself. When he attempted to fix it, he ended up bending it more. It was only then that he decided to stop trying himself and to call a professional. And, in true Dad-like fashion, he hasn’t gotten around to this yet. So every night I am forced to feel my way over to my desk and turn the lamp on instead. As you might imagine, this has resulted in many stubbed toes.

So yes, we can’t get into our upstairs toilet. Oh wait, hang on, I’ve just looked out of the study door down the hallway. They have already taken the doorknob out. Hang on. BRB.

LOL! Rufuss went in the toilet and pulled the door shut and got stuck in there! LOL! We got him out though.

K. Going to do this stupid English assignment now… or not. Anyway, Cya.

Really Random Lyrics

Hey ppls
There have been some bits and pieces that I really like in some songs that I listen to. They mainly relate to boyfriends and stuff but when you take it out of the song I like to relate it to other stuff. Anyway, these two are both by the Veronicas.

All I Have (Well, some of it anyway)-
'Cause you're all I have
When the world comes down on me
You're the one I love
And I'm begging you to see
You're all, you're all, you're all I have
You are, you are the one I love
You are, you are, you're all I have

Your love for me was always there
Maybe too much for me to care
Now that I know I messed it up
I'd give my all to take it back

'Cause you're all I have
When the world comes down on me
You're the one I love
And I'm begging you to see
You're all, you're all, you're all I have
You are, you are the one I love
You are, you are, you're all I have

This Love (once again this is only some of it so it can be related to firends as opposed to boyfriends)-
Even if I leave you now
And it breaks my heart
Even if I'm not around
I won't give in (won't give in)
I can't give up (can't give up)
On this love

I can't just close the door (on this love)
I never felt anything like this before(like this love)
Tell me the truth no matter what we're going through
Will you hold on too 'cause

Even if I leave you now
And it breaks my heart
Even if I'm not around
I won't give in
I can't give up
On this love



So yes, hoped that you liked them. Also, I'm kind of confused about a guy, but I won't say anything about it yet. I'm not even sure if I even half like him. Plus, I'm not going to try and figure it out yet. Remeber how I was going on about priorities in that last post? Well, yes. This is a bit further down my list than certain other things.

And I've taken a new intrest in Haikus lately. Thy're a type of poem that has 5 syllables in the first and third lines and then 7 in the second one. They don't rhyme and often use quite a bit of symbolism and relate to nature and seasons and stuff heaps. I like writing them. They make me feel better.

Anyway, GTG. Massive boring English assignment that is due on Monday to finish. Groan. I hate it, it is so stupid and boring and... anyway GTG. Cya.

Time to Get my (insert swear word here) Priorities Figured Out

I’m so pissed at myself for being so selfish. My jealousy is the last thing that is important or even very remotely relevant. I’m still so scared. But I’m not going to let it show at school anymore. I’m going to be stronger for Katie and Dylan.

Anyway, this next bit is mainly directed at Katie when she reads it. I was going to talk to you about it at school this morning but more important things came up. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, as long as you get the message-

Don’t be worried about our relationship. I’m going to stay your friend forever, whether you like it or not. So I’m afraid that you don’t have a choice, you’re stuck with me. And anyway, we’ve got more worrying stuff to think about. We can sort this out after this is all over.
And I trust you as much as I ever have. It’s just that if I tell you my problems, you’re going to be worried about those as well. And the last thing that I want is for you to be more worried. AND WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF! You worry about yourself, Dylan worries about himself and the rest of our group worry about you both. So you both get a whole heap of people looking out for you both and worrying about you. See how it works? Happy now? Just worry about yourself before Dylan.
And you don’t have to fret about being torn between me and Dylan. It shouldn’t matter to either of us who you love more. As long as you love me to some degree, I’m completely happy. And Dylan needs you more than me at the moment. Love him more, he needs it. He needs it so much. I know that you love me, and I’m pretty sure that you will never leave me unless I truly deserve it and that’s all I’m worried about. But I don’t know what Dylan thinks. He might need someone to love him the most. And the best person for that is you, Katie. So do what you think is right. Don’t be torn between me and Dylan. It is obvious who needs you most at the moment.
Kill my livelihood?! Is that even possible?! It will never leave me and I will never leave you. See? Problem solved.

So yes, now to some more general stuff-

I printed out Katie’s last post on her blog coz I wanted to read it over and over again for some weird reason. And anyway, I let Mit and Sirk read it as well and then Dylan wanted to read it but I wasn’t sure. And then I let him read it at lunch and he went all upset and walked off by himself. Of course I went with him, I was too scared/worried not to. Mit came as well. So Dylan said that Katie being upset was all his fault, which it obviously isn’t. So when we eventually got back to the corner, he was still all sad so I suggested that we all go to the back fields and muck around like we always do. He agreed so our whole group went out and I think that this cheered him up. We stole his shoes and tickled the bottom of his feet and then poked him under the ribs which tickles him and just generally had fun. He seemed a lot happier going back at the end of lunch. I really hope that we put him in a better mood. I’m so very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very worried about him.
And I’m very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very worried about Katie as well.

Anyway, I am happy that Dylan feels better.

OK I’m going to go now. I’m going to try and enjoy what’s left of my Friday arvo (despite still being scared out of my wits) with NO TESTS TO STUDY 4 YAY!!!!!!!!

Cya
Rhoddie

P.S. There is something that is still nagging at the back of my mind. Something which I felt really passionately about today but I can’t quite remember what it was… It was something which got me really… angry I think. But I’m absolutely sure it wasn’t at one of my friends. At someone else…. Anyway, I’ll post when I figure it out.

I've been selfish, and now I'm scared...

Right, so in that last post I still realize that I’m being a selfish pig. But anyway, I really need 2 talk about something else at the moment. I’l bash myself up 4 that 1 later.

I don’t want 2 brag or anything, but I don’t scare easily. I don’t have any phobias and I like snakes and bugs and all that ‘scary’ stuff. But today, I think the full gravity of this situation hit me. Katie could die. Just like that. I could go to bed one night, and in the morning, she could be gone. Forever. No second chances, I would never be able 2 talk to her or laugh with her or be with her ever ever again. And that… scares me. I’m really scared. This is the worst ever fear that I have felt and probably will ever feel in my entire life. It’s like fear in its pure form. I don’t know what 2 do. My whole body shakes uncontrollably if I don’t move for more than 2 seconds. But how can I help her? Is there any way at all that I can make sure that I will never lose her? There isn’t, is there? This is something which I can’t control. Something bigger and more powerful than I am, and I can’t stop it from taking my best friend away.

All I can do is hope that she defeats this before it is too late. Katie is one of the strongest people that I have ever met, and I know that she will surprise herself when she finds this strength. But I know that she has the power to defeat it. She’s not going to give up without a fight. I think it’s just a race now. Who makes it to the finish line first? Katie, or this depression? And that’s what scares me. I can’t do anything to help this, I am powerless. She dies, its game over. No other chances.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO HERE? SURELY THERE IS SOMETHING THAT I CAN DO TO MAKE SURE THAT KATIE WINS THIS RACE? I’D DO ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL, TO MAKE SURE SHE WINS. AND WHEN I SAY ANYTHING, I MEAN ANYTHING! ANYTHING!

I’m so scared. Scared as anyone could ever possibly be. I can’t imagine how Katie must be feeling…

This is Going to Get Worse Before it Gets Better

I’m not really that jealous any more. I’ve kind of squashed it up into a dense little ball and pushed it to the back of my mind. There’s bigger problems.

Katie is worse. She tried suicide again this morning and deliberately cut her hand. I tried to make her feel better, but I don’t know if it worked.

Me and Tasha (one of the friends in my group and my class) were talking about I it in Maths period One. We’ve decided that Katie and Dylan just venting their feelings to each other and no one else can’t be helping either of them. Now, this might just be the jealousy talking, but I think that they should tell other people about their problems. I mean, from what I have gathered, Dylan has attempted suicide as well. So keeping this between those two can only be making them more depressed, can’t it? Or maybe not. I don’t know, but I still think that it would be better if Katie, and Dylan, had a wider support network. So, to try and achieve this, me and Tasha spent all Maths lesson brainstorming some ideas in a spider diagram to make Katie feel better and to prompt her to widen her support network. One of the ideas which everyone in the group seemed keen on was to keep the two with the group as much as possible. At the moment, they spend all lunch and all recess either sitting upstairs from the group or walking around the school together. So, me and the group decided to let them do this for all of recess or half of lunch, and then get them to come back… but… OF COURSE, LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE THAT WE HAVE TRIED, THIS FAILED DIDN’T IT?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I cut up some stuff so we could play this card game thing called Mafia, and Katie and Dylan, surprise surprise, left the group to go sit upstairs. So, we asked them to come down and they said that they would come down in a moment. We let them have five minutes, and the ten, but… next time, after about fifteen minutes we checked and they were gone! Right then I was on the verge of tears. (Well, just between whoever happens to be reading this and me, I did shed a few tears but I don’t think that anyone noticed) I don’t know what else to do! What if the next time she tries suicide, she actually does it? What if she dies? How could I go on? My best friend ever, gone. I couldn’t live anymore. I would probably commit suicide to. I just couldn’t live without her. But what else can I do? I’ve tried everything that I could possibly think of to get Katie to trust me enough to tell me what is going through her mind. If she doesn’t tell the whole group, couldn’t the best friend that I’ve had in my whole life tell me why she wants to die?

I’m sorry, the jealousy is flaring up again. I’ll try to keep it out of this.

But I’m just, like, crushed. What else can we do? We just want to help her, but she insists on keeping it to herself and Dylan. I’m so… frustrated. With this situation, that is, not Katie.

Anyway, back to the story.

We all split up and went looking for the two around the whole school, because the whole aim of this was to let them be with us too, so we can support them, which is kind of hard to do if we don’t even see them anymore. Which we don’t. Anyway, we found them. Me and Mit. They said that the reason that they left was that they needed to sort some things out. Which was fair enough but… I’m just so frustrated with this situation! Despite our best efforts, we still can’t support them. What kind of shitty friends are we, then? Our best friends (and in my case, the best friend that I’ve had in my whole entire life) rather go around the school when they are seriously depressed, by themselves, than sit with us. We must be really crap friends.

I just wish I knew why it is they won’t let us at least talk to them about this. Is it because we don’t understand? We’re not going to until they tell us what it is like anyway. Is it because Dylan is closer to her than I… I mean we as group will ever be to her? We’re trying our hardest to be there for her, to do whatever we can for her. We will do anything that Dylan will, and we love her just as much. Or is it because we are just terrible people? I don’t know.

I just want her to trust us. Why are we so different? What are we doing wrong, what are we doing that Dylan isn’t? Why won’t she trust us with what she thinks, what she feels? Why won’t she trust me? =’-C

I’ve GTG. I’m not in the mood much for typing anymore, surprise surprise… =’-c

Welcome to the Real World People- Life Sucks

OMG. It's been ages since I've posted but a hell of alot has been going on in my life.

The big thing is to do with the best friend that I've had in my whole entire life. It's been all my fault. My life is so messed up at the moment. I'll tell you what's happened...

I've gone against the one golden value which governs my whole life: loyalty. My friend, Katie, has been my best friend since close to the start of high school. She has been the closest friend that I've ever had and, I, I was a bitch to her, all over my stupid jealousy.

Katie has been going out with this guy called Dylan and I truly feel happy 4 them coz Dylan is one of my friends to but... I became jealous of how close they are. And I still am, kind of, I'll talk about that later.

I was so jealous coz, I realised that I wasn't as close 2 Katie as I thought I was. She's the closest friend that I've had in my whole life, but I've realised that... I'm not her closest. I'll never be the closest. ='-C No matter what I do, Dylan will always be closer. It just makes me so sad. The closest friend that I've had in my whole entire life, no matter how hard I try, or how much I love her, I will never be closer to her than Dylan. Well that's the way I see it anyway. This is the reason that I burst in to tears every 5mins at home. This is why all my friends keep asking me why I'm not myself and why I'm so sad at school all the time. Everyone!... except, well, nah never mind.

And so of course I had to open my big mouth, didn't I? I stuffed my loyalty to Katie and totally lost it one nigth on MSN. I said, 'u'll understand one day wen ur best friend eva is closer 2 her boyfriend than she is to u' And typical Katie, thought it was her fault and that she was being a horrible friend. I still can't beleive I said that. And with her deppression, it just took her from a high to suicidal.

SO anyway, we made up the next day. But I still feel like shit. Partly because by saying that stuff I went against my loyalty value, but mostly because of what I mentioned in paragraph 5. I don't know wat 2 do anymore.

I'd like to say a big thanks to Mit, who has given me heaps of supportt and stuff. He's awesome! He has a habit of making me feel better when I need it the most.

So GTG. HW 2 do, God knows how many tests 2 study 4. ANd Katie (u know who u r) if ur reading this, pay close attention to this bit-

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! ITS NOT UR FAULT THAT IM SO SAD, ITS MINE SO DONT THINK THAT IT IS UR FAULT.

So yeah cya

Rhoddy (or watever I'm calling myself on this.

P.S If u read this Katie, txt me, I want 2 know that u know that its not ur fault.