Its happened. She’s gone. From our friendship group.
I had to take the friendship bracelet she gave me off today. I kept crying every time I looked at it.
At lunch I decided that I couldn’t live without her anymore so I went to the quad to try and convince her to come back. Of course I managed to somehow make it worse. And I made her cry. :’-C
But she’s still gone. I can’t seem to be able to think about anything else. Anything. And I know that I’m just being selfish. Because Katie is happy now. Which I’m glad of. But I still can’t help wishing that she wasn’t gone. I don’t know how long I’m going to be able to survive. But I guess I might be able to live off the too-short periods of IA and VA. But we’ll see.
But as long as she is happy. That’s all that really matters atm, isn’t it? So maybe that fact will help me get out of bed in the morning.
And hopefully one of my reoccurring nightmares will stop now. Because I’m living it.
And Katie, I’m sorry that I’ve been such a bad friend. I’d still do anything for you.
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4 comments:
Today ...
TOTALLY STUFFED ME UP
I mean, what is wrong with me? Absolutely depressed and stuff during lunch and halfway through Drama I just starting laughing my head off at the stupid show we were watching. And I kept laughing at anything through VA? And now at home I'm all sad again.
What the hell is wrong with me?
For christs sake R, I'm still here!
I still love you! I'm still wearing that friendship bracelet!!! For crying out loud, don't just give up! It's not fair on anyone! I just need to learn how to control my mood swings and my stress levels and I will return. But until then, I need to be in an environment where I can relax. So for that matter, a large group with people who are sad and crying and scared and bitching behind other people's backs is not such a great environment! So just give me some time, ok? Depression is not like a headache - you cannot just deal with it or get over it in a days time. I need to make sure that I am and that I stay safe. For me to not crack or get to the point of suicide, I need to relax. And as I said before, being in that large group - its hard for me to relax. That is why I'm just hanging out with Ryan and Tim. And another thing - I'm not really good with options or questions or any sort of pressure at the moment - I get really stressed. So just let me take my time, and I'll be back to normal AS SOON AS I AM READY. Now this may take time, but we will all just have to wait.
Also, don't give up on me. I would never give up on you.
Im so sorry. I just want you to know that I miss you like nothing else. But that doesnt mean that Im asking you to come back. I just write on here how I truly feel.
ANd I know that depression doesnt just go away like that. Its just that i dont want to feel so helpless, and i want to be able to do something to help you but i cant seem to be able to figure out wat i can do. Especially now that i cant help my own emotions getting in the way. And that i only get to talk to you in IA and VA. Please, tell me, is there anything that i can do?! Is there anything that i can do to help one of the best friends in my whole life get through depression? I want to help you so badly, i just dont know how anymore.
Wat the f*%$! is wrong with u?!!!! Of course Id never give up on you, how could u possibly think that?
I really wish I was there today at the moment, Rhod...I wouldn't have been able to help, but it's still annoying that I wasn't even there in case I COULD have in some small way.
I wish I could help Katie also (though from your comment, you obviously don't want it at the moment) but it's hard as I barely know her so I'll just focus on you. I'll just go to the extent of saying I'm hoping you beat this, Katie.
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